I am a grandmother of three gorgeous little boys and happily look after them in the school holidays.
Taking them out and about all adds up and I’d like to ask my son for say, £30 a day to cover ice creams and entries to zoos and attractions.
Neither he nor my daughter-in-law, who both work full-time, have offered any money for sundries. I don’t want to end up out of pocket but neither do I want to sour our lovely relationship.
Can you help?
E.L, Barnes
Taking care of children so parents can have free childcare and go to work is an act of generosity
I see nothing wrong with asking. You are not really asking to be compensated for looking after them: you don’t resent it – you enjoy it! But it has a real, financial cost that could potentially make you resent it, if it’s left unspoken and automatically falls on you to cover.
Asking is different from demanding: you are creating a space for a conversation. If your son seems reluctant to meet your request, try to understand why. They might say that they would rather you do something more local, less expensive, to avoid those costs (and give you some ideas).
You might want to take them up on that or you could share further information to help reach a compromise. For example, it could be that going to the few free local activities could get a bit boring for you and the kids and so having a a budget for new attractions is in everyone’s interest. It’s about creating room for a conversation in which you both feel heard and work towards a compromise.
What is the money buying? If it’s buying happy memories for the grandparents and grandchildren, then it’s money your son might be happy to spend.
You might feel unhappy or hurt or angry about the fact they have not offered any money for sundries. It could be that because they are at a very different stage in life and financial situation, and are not retired, they haven’t thought about the financial implications of your situation.
It’s similar to when people without children fail to think about the childcare costs involved when attending a wedding. It’s just not something they have had to think about so they don’t automatically empathise with it.
But before you ask, I do invite you to check whether this request has a hidden meaning.
Are you feeling that your son and daughter-in-law are not appreciating your help to the extent you wish they did?
Maybe they haven’t really expressed or shown gratitude and you feel taken for granted.
Instead of saying that more directly, it might feel easier to say ‘by the way, this is costing us £30 a day’.
Sometimes it’s easier to make financial rather than emotional demands. You have been very generous (both financially and with your time) and if generosity is not met with gratitude, it can leave one feeling exploited or taken for granted.
‘Expecting’ grandparents to be generous sets up a bad dynamic in which we are not grateful when they are. Also, generosity doesn’t have to be financial: you taking care of the children so they can have free childcare and go to work is also an act of generosity. So it’s important that generosity is not assumed and it definitely should not be causing financial strain.
By asking for the £30 you are establishing healthy boundaries around your generosity so you can continue to give happily and not begrudgingly.
It can be tricky to address financial concerns with family. There is room for misinterpretation and misunderstandings. But you can minimise those risks by being thoughtful about how you communicate this to your son and daughter-in-law. Make it clear that you look after the grandkids with great pleasure and this isn’t about needing compensation for that. If it is about appreciation and gratitude, say so. If it’s more about the realities that the costs add up and that you are feeling the financial strain from this, that too can be explained. You both want the same thing: the kids to be happy and the grandparents to be enjoying the time with them.
If you approach the conversation with care, openness, and a collaborative spirit, you can address your financial concerns without jeopardising your positive relationship.
Do you have a question for Vicky? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk. Vicky Reynal’s book Money on your Mind, the psychology behind your financial habits, is out now with Bonnier Books, £16.99.
