Can’t sleep? Kept awake at night by a back-firing far-Right bandwagon? (I’ve told Rob Jenrick to fix that exhaust.) Well, I have a solution: the Angela Rayner White Noise machine. Better than piped sounds of “rain on window”, “whale song” or “Stephen Fry talks about his knighthood”, Ms Rayner’s musings will knock you out faster than you can say “going forward” – which Labour ministers say an awful lot.
Our Ange was questioned by the Housing committee, a thrilling melange of drippy Lib Dems, crawly Labourites and a Tory called Lewis Cocking, a name that became as distracting as Sir Roger de Lodgerley.
She was assisted in her answers by Sarah Healey, the civil servant who once said she loved working from home because it meant more time cycling on her Peloton. Healey must enjoy working for the minister whose other brief is workers’ rights and safety. Ange is currently drafting legislation to say all Pelotons must come with stabilisers.
“It’s clearly fantastic to see the ambition… and what’s already been achieved by this government.” said Chris Carter (Labour). “Thanks Chris,” said Ange, “and I really welcome the question.”
The question, delivered between passionate kisses on her boot, related to the target of building 1.5 million homes, and all the minister’s answers lasted around two minutes, without occasioning a single full stop. It’s poetry by a bureaucrat. “Going forward… upstream… break down the silos… empower the people to look at the whole place” to deliver “a whole system approach” with a “can-do attitude”.
Healey interrupted to explain what can’t be done and Ange looked furious. Sarah is too posh. One imagines she spends a lot of time in the office coughing politely and pointing at the “No Smoking” sign.
Her boss next took a question from Lewis Cocking; heard his name for the first time and had to suppress a big grin. I’m so pleased I wasn’t the only one who could hear Carry On music as he spoke, or imagine Sid James judging melons.
No one questions Ms Rayner’s motivations. She comes across as Labour’s last dash of conscience. But the speed and rhythm of her speech suggests someone who thinks they can literally talk policy into reality, when the truth is harsher.
Labour has abandoned redistribution: as committee members noted, benefits have been frozen and taxes are up (perhaps hitting social care). Instead the Government is dashing for increased housing supply, but as Lib Dem Lee Dillon pointed out, we simply don’t have the builders to do it. No doubt we could import a million Albanian brickies, but they’d want somewhere to live, too – and thus the cycle of national decline continues.
“Diverse young people have different needs,” said Ange about something-or-other, and behind her a member of the public was enjoying the best hour’s sleep he’d had in years. “Angela Rayner Discusses Wheelchair Access” is available on cassette from Woolworths, priced £4.99.
